It’s very difficult to act normal, to act present. Quite often people around me tend to forget what Inhad to battle and what I am still battling inside. It’s quite the mystery. They expect me to feel and be vocal about how happy I feel at the moment. They expect me to act as if nothing ever changed, as if nothing ever hurt me.
I hide it, some times; better than others. It’s hard to act happy, it’s hard to smile, it’s hard to show any type of emotion. Once you get used to suppressing your feelings and everything that you feel good or bad just starts to feel numb. Why? Because this makes it easier to continue with daily life. Is this the right thing to do? I’m not sure. Does it help me? I think so. Maybe temporarily and mostly on the surface. Learning to control my mind and emotions in order to live and lead a Normal life has been something I work on everyday. I realized I couldn’t continue living in pain. It wasn’t healthy. So the question remains: is suppressing my feelings good or bad? How do I suppress the bad instead of the good and the bad. Why can’t I show emotion? Why is it so difficult for me to express what I really feel at moments. A mere tear, a mere smile, an I love you or even a thank you. I feel all of those things most of the times. Except you can’t see it. It’s there I promise. I have a heart. A very big heart in fact. I am loving, passionate and I care.
I battle expressing my actual feelings.
I can be incredibly happy, incredibly sad inside and you would never know. I show no emotion whatsoever. The life event I experienced changed me in ways I cannot even explain in good and bad…
Trying to let go of something that wasn’t meant for me is by far the hardest, along with not wanting to lose the memory of the very own character that began my sorrow.
When I look around at happy people, or I look around and see people who have what I had… I can’t help to ask “why me?” Why was I not meant to have all of it? How did I find something so incredibly beautiful and perfect.
I remember having it all. I didn’t need anything else. I had found it. That was it. He was it. Nothing felt more right than him. I had never been more certain of something in my whole entire life. Now I’m here. Lost. More lost than ever. Lost in love. Lost in life.
One day. One step at a time. I suppose.
I now act reckless because the way my mind works is: I deserve to feel bliss. I deserve to feel bliss in any way, shape or form that I can find it.
I will never say no to anything that brings me short term or long term bliss. I am so desperate for that feeling that I will take it…
However it may come.
Life isn’t fair. Often I can’t help but think in a selfish way, it wasn’t fair for me. It wasn’t fair for him. To be taken away that easy, that fast in the blink of an eye wasn’t fair. I can continue to ask why and all the questions that I have, because none of it makes sense in the end.
It wasn’t fair.
I’m stuck in a constant nightmare that I’ve been waiting and wanting to wake up from to only realize it’s not a nightmare. It’s very much real and I have no control.