My Life: A work in progress…

“I feel like all i’ve been doing is thinking about myself.”

Over a year since Rex died all I have been thinking about is myself and trying to figure out how to be me again. I used to be someone who was always happy, I woke up happy. Then this happened and everything was hard and everything took thought and planning. My life started to feel like it didn’t fit me anymore and I wanted to tear it all down and start over, just throw it all away and find a life that fits who I am now, but I’m starting to feel like I know who I am again and i’ve had to give up things, but what i’ve learned is that I don’t need much. I don’t need much to be happy. 

Maybe when we see how little we need to survive it makes us realize how powerful we actually are, to strip down to only what we need. 

 

xoxo

I promise that I shall never give up, and that I’ll die yelling and laughing. -Jack Kerouac

I somehow feel the insane love Rex and I had for each other morphed into the strength I have right now. 

There’s something about knowing he’s watching everything I’m doing and feeling like I have to do everything now not just for me but for him. I also feel a safety net below me – If I fall or if it’s too much, my friends and family will be there to catch me. 

It’s been almost a year now since I went through the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had when I lost my Fiance in Afghanistan. I can say, I’ve come so far, but still have so much to learn and grow. I promised myself that I’d never be that dependent on someone again.

I recently had to let go of a very important person in my life, who I’ve loved and cared for deeply. I just wasn’t ready to give myself to him and I didn’t think he was the solution to the answer I’ve been looking for either. I realized, I needed to work on myself, and be by myself until I can love myself once again. I am making changes in my life, as one day I woke up and I felt empty. I realized I had turned to drinking, going out, and becoming a bit of a party girl … As we all know, I can be the life of the party most of the time and I love being a social butterfly. However, the reason to my excessive partying was to numb the pain, to being so busy that I had no time to think. I hated being left alone with my thoughts so living by the motto “work hard, play hard” was what my life was becoming. I now have chosen to deal with my thoughts, to deal with my feelings, to love more, to live more. 

To welcome people into my life with an open heart and stop being so closed. To let myself care for others, and let others care for me. If you know me, you know I am not the hug type person, nor do I get very close to people. Some may call me cold hearted at times … I appear to have the strong persona, and shell around me that cannot be crushed. I do not cry, I do not show emotion. 

Far from the truth, I am as soft and cuddly inside. I just have a hard time showing that. I’ve recently met people in my life who have inspired me. Inspired me to love, to feel, to do good. So now, focusing on my changes.

1. Health = gym+active

2. Doing good = volunteer work

3. Meeting people = joining leadership groups, cultural activities

4. Spiritual = religion

5. Waking up = loving who I am. 

Once I can master these changes in my life, I will finally be ready.

Continue working on my career, which has always been the most important. Let me remind you. I absolutely love my job and my work environment. I can’t be thankful enough for my boss, my co workers and how pleasant going to work everyday feels. 

I just need and want more… 

 

 

 

Lost Holiday’s, Lost Anniversaries, Lost Flowers, Lost Kisses, Lost Hugs, Lost Love, Lost Life, Lost Time…

This is the time of the year that really gets to me. I am far away from home, my family and the people whom I love and not to mention the anniversary date of my dead fiancee is approaching. This is the time of the year that Rex and I met and swore to each other we would spend every holiday together since the first day we fell in love. In hopes of one day, he would be ending his military career and we could enjoy a normal life. Well, that really never happened. The army life: You are never home for the important life events, such as birthday’s, graduations or holidays . . . Even in our dating life we missed a few of these special moments. Flowers were a big part of our relationship, as him not being able to attend important moments in my life, sending me flowers was his way of letting me know, he was thinking of me, that he cared, and that he wished more than anything to be by my side to support me. However, at that point in life… Holidays didn’t mean much to us,  because everyday we spent together was special, it didn’t matter if it was a holiday, or a birthday as long as we had each other and we made the best out of every day we had.

I like to think I do a good job at hiding the pain on normal days.

Most day’s I just seem like a grumpy girl with a frown more so than a smile, however most of the time I like to think I am extremely positive and deal with the pain of loss in a good way. Sometimes I am proud of myself, and sometimes I hate myself for it. Today, I felt sad. This is why I choose to write. Write down my feelings. Today, I opened the memory box, in that memory box, I have keepsakes, photographs, love letters; he sent to me overseas and ones I sent to him and some that never made it to me as well as some that never made it to him, funeral memorabilia, and just memories. I rarely ever open this box as it lays in my room in a corner. Most of the days, I don’t think about it because it hurts and blocking the past tends to help me heal. However, there are days that the past is more real than the day before. These are the days I have a frown on my face. These are the days, I feel the loneliest. I sat today and I opened that box. I read some of the letters, just to hear his words again. Just to know, this event in my life happened and that it was real. Just to remind myself, I have to be strong for him. To remind myself, that the love I once experienced was in fact REAL. As I sit in my room, and open the box, my heart starts getting heavy, I feel stomach pains, I feel my throat starting to close up, I swallow to get pass the lump in my throat. I pick up bits and pieces of memory. I first look at pictures, I realize how important pictures are. How important letters are, how important words are… because when we are gone, and all that is left is that faint memory of something that was once beautiful. As I feel, these bits and pieces of memory through my finger tips, the photos have dust from the sand and dirt of afghanistan … these photos were photos Rex and I interchanged, Photos we hung in our home together once, and when he deployed I mailed them to him and he hung them up in his room in Afghanistan. We would mail these photographs back and forth to each other. Served as a reminder of our memories. After Rex passed away, his personal belongings were shipped back home and his mother gave me all the items that he and I had interchanged while he was overseas. Meaning, everything I had sent to him, from cards, books, pictures, a sterling silver cross I had purchased for him before deployment whom he taped across his dog tags. Within this exchange, I also got letters Rex didn’t get a chance to mail… So as I read through these letters, and these words, I see key words “strength” “love” “forever” “pray” “death” “life” “always” “home” “safety” and it’s interesting how these words in these letters come to play. . . As I sit and read, these words… the epiphany of these words is the most intense factor within my life at the moment. I once fell in love with a beautiful heart and a beautiful man who loved me more than anything in the world, and these letters are a reminder and written fact truth that this experience of love was indeed real. Rex’s unconditional love, strength, motivation, belief in me is what made me a better person and still lingers on my mind to be the best version of me. A lot of my strength comes from him…

My life has changed in so many ways and it hasn’t been easy. Dealing with death, dealing through unemployment from emotional disability, dealing through late payments and bills, dealing through loneliness…I don’t think many people can relate to what I’ve been through unless they have experienced something similar. It’s different from losing a grandfather, or grandmother, or mother or father. It’s a different type of loss. It’s losing your future. When, I lost Rex, I not only lost him, I lost everything.

I find myself growing up an immense amount in such little time… I am only 24 years old and yet I feel like I’ve lived many lives and I carry such pain in my heart, it is such a heavy burden to carry that at times I feel exhausted.  2013 was the toughest year of my life, and I hope 2014 brings better light.

The hardest part for today and tomorrow is learning to open my heart once again, towards new love. This is my biggest struggle and also the brave man who can support me within my struggle. The man who is strong enough, to know that I carry a heavy heart. Only a real man, will be able to love me for me. To understand me; fully and completely. I am a better, stronger, more loving woman because of this experience. It will take a strong man, to let me fall in love all over again. Only love can heal the pain that love caused.

I have hope.

I pray to god to give me strength to get through these holidays, and lucky enough I have some delightful plans on spending the holidays with a beautiful family and man whom has always been a part of my heart.  (this is where I am blessed and very thankful)

I once read this quote by Frida Kahlo and I thought the words were so exquisitely beautiful…

You; suffer, rejoice, love, rage, kiss, laugh. We were born for the same thing. to discover and love what has been discovered. hidden. With grief of always losing it. You are beautiful. I endow you with your beauty. Arms you against what does not free you, Love me as your center. Me as yourself. It won’t achieve a prodigious memory of you passing through my life scattering jewels i’ll only collect after you’re gone. There is no distance. only time. – Frida Kahlo

Fix yourself.

Love is something so powerful and I am sorry I am not ready for it.

The crossroads. . .

My life is always a crossroad and I am always trying to figure out what road to take. They call me the Gipsy… lol.

I have a lot of love in my life. I love my parents, I love my sister, I love a few ex boyfriends, I love my new and old friends…

I go back in my memories, and I remember my childhood, I miss those days… being a kid with no responsibility.

This life right now It’s hard, but it’s okay… We never want to lose the people we love or care about…

I’ve gone on enough job interviews to understand skills and when I present my skills;

I may not be that experienced in my job field, but well the skill I know most about is Strength.

I continue to build upon strength, through tears, through pain, heartbreak, death, life,  love, hard work, through being uniquely myself.   I’ve been through a lot in my 24 years of life… but we all have. Haven’t we? we all have different struggles. Thats not what makes me unique or special, my pain doesn’t make me unique, what makes me unique is having the strength to let go of love when I am not ready for it, to say no to drugs, to fighting for what I want the most: “my career” “my job” “my life” this is what I have been working for since I was born and fuck… it hasn’t been easy. I now walk the path that life has set out for me, even if it’s not the path I envisioned for my life.

I constantly think I am lonely, just because I am alone for holidays, or special events, birthdays, thanksgiving, christmas, halloween, you name it… I am terrified of the thought of being alone on these days, reality is I am not alone. These days are like any other days, and just because I can’t physically be with the people I love most, it doesn’t mean I am alone. I think about the friends I’ve made and the people i’ve met… I know I am lucky especially when I think about every single person that helped me (and if you are reading this… you know who you are) Thank you for being there for me when I needed it the most, I shed a tear, a tear of happiness, of being thankful for that person.

My life now revolves on being happy for everyone else, feeling happy for someone else’s happiness and making someone happy even if it’s for a minute or a day through kindness. I know, for myself to get to that point where happiness is me. Well, it’s going to take time and for now it’s okay to cry and let it all out. It’s going to be hard and that’s okay.

Time and patience, and maybe staying where I’m at for a while instead of running away… may get me somewhere one day.

Today, I will just say a little prayer and I will say “today I am blessed.”

I am Thankful for everything I have.

Honor the life you grieve by living fully for the rest of your life…

I came across this picture on the internet. I remember this as if it were just yesterday. This very moment. 

Crawling out of that dark aisle of pain…

(The photo above is of ) My sister and I sitting in front of Rex’s casket holding me as I cried the strongest cry I’ve ever cried… I remember walking down the aisle as my heart broke into a million pieces that very moment. I was carrying such a heavy heart down that aisle.

I always pictured myself walking down the aisle on my wedding day, not the aisle that led to my future husband’s grave. 

but that was life. that was the risk. that was destiny. I read aloud my wedding vows that day just as I had promised him I would.

The Journey of Grieving & where I find myself today:

grieving. giving yourself permission to cry. allowing yourself to feel. it’s just part of the process.

How do you escape from pain? someone once said that if you are feeling pain, then at least you know you are alive.

so those moments when I felt dead inside, I was actually more alive.

I’ve come a long way since 6 months ago when the biggest tragedy of my life happened.

“grieving the loss of who you were can prevent you from opening the door to who you are right now”

Looking deeply into my own eyes and telling myself who I see. Eyes are the windows of the soul. Eyes can reveal much about who we are and who we can be.

Forgiveness. Along with Rex’s death came resentment and pain amongst family members and drama, but I don’t hold any grudge as forgiveness is not condoning a wrong. Forgiveness is about freedom for myself. Letting go of resentment and pain and accepting what is. Forgiveness=freedom. The emotions that don’t allow you to forgive someone keep you trapped in the past, and forgiving myself is also very important. Letting go of the past and accept the gift of the present moment.

so now.

here are the questions.

Imagining who I am, and who I will be.

What do I see?

Who can I be? 

Can fear be transformed into possibilities?

So… who am I really in the inside?

I am not my grief, and the moment I realize this fact… is the beginning of the rest of my life.

two ways of living my life. nothing is a miracle. the other is as though everything is a miracle – albert einstein. 

My life is a miracle. 

Here comes gratitude. Oh the POWER of gratitude.

Transform your grief into gratitude and joy. One thing I am grateful for everyday. My bed, My coffee, My co workers, My family, My friends, a flower… a sunny day perhaps… The list is endless.

Gratitude can change your life, if you let it.

EMERGENCE: (this is where I am at in my life right this very moment)

Becoming visible. reclaiming your life and revealing who you really are, evolving and developing… Kaleidoscope of color and sound and emotion that is ME right now. 

Who will i be in one month? 

who will i be in three months?

who will i be in six months?

who will i be in one year or three years? 

who will i be in five years?

Oh the possibilities. 

My life is unfolding day by day. The world is waiting for the gifts that only I can share, the world is waiting for the gift that is “me”.

Like a butterfly emerges from the darkness of the cocoon.

The beauty of the butterfly is absolutely magnificent. 

Beauty, real beauty often shrouds the courage and effort that preceded this miraculous transformation.

I can remember, cry, smile, I am being real.

I share my life because the world is incomplete without the magnificent light and life.

No beginning.. no ending.. just now.

No birth, no death, just now. Just LOVE.

I must go now, as life awaits and endless possibilities. 

I will honor Rex, by living everyday of my life to the fullest and finding happiness as he would want it that way… he would want only the best for me.

(excerpts taken from the book “Move beyond grief journal” who has been extremely helpful to me within my journey)

Xoxo,

Sabrina

The life purpose is not about what you do in physical realm as your job, but about how you feel in your inner world inside of you, centered in your heart.

So many people ask me. Have you been able to fall in love after the passing of your fiance? Does it feel like there is an off switch in you when it comes to love? Does it feel like my love light is off? Absolutely. Am I hopeful for love one day? Absolutely.

One day, I hope to find someone just as beautiful as he was. One day, I hope to be loved again for me. I think the way to my heart, is finding the way through my mind and soul. If you love me for me, then you open a path to my heart. I am, what I am. I will never be anyone or anything, but Ana Sabrina Carmona.

Now, back to “life purpose.”

This quote is something I am using in my journey to finding myself.

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose, and then give your whole heart and soul to it.” – Attributed to the Buddha 

As everything changed… I found myself back to ground zero. Starting my life all over again… It’s as if I died and was re-birthed all within the same cycle… Let’s just say It’s been a hell of a ride. I find myself searching for my purpose in life and give my whole heart and soul to it… I feel so ready for that gift. However, I have no idea what it is… Sometimes being lost isn’t such a bad thing … Feeling lost sometimes leads you to really getting to know yourself and who you are through exploring and experience. It also makes for greats stories…. ask anyone, I have the best stories. My life is somewhat of a movie, which maybe one day can be filmed and you can watch. I love to experience, try new things & I crave adventure, I crave thrill… In all of these experiences, I understand myself a little better, but I am still so lost. I follow the path that life has given me and I trust god to guide me in the right direction and of course I need a little steering sometimes when I get off track. Another thing I’ve learned about life, and it’s funny ways… When in time of need, and desperation… Life tends to throw you a few angels along the way… you collect people, people who are willing to help you, however the help may sometimes come with a price… but in the good and the bad it helps you survive and get through. The formation of new friendships is also something that is great help when it comes to healing… Finding happiness in the everyday things and in the ability to help and receive help. I hope one day to give back to each and everyone of these people who crossed the path of my life and were willing to help me. In this life, I want my purpose to be… Helping. Giving. & being the nicest person I can be. So far, this has helped me become a better me. I help, I give, I receive and the cycle goes on. A smile now carries me a long way, no matter how miserable, how lost, or how sad I am inside, I remember to smile.  The sweetness in your heart takes you further than anything ever will… How you feel in your inner world inside of you, centered in your heart.

I think my purpose will find me.

So for now, I will be patient… & wait.

The hardest part of life is letting go.

xoxo

Sabrina

In the pursuit of happiness & my silver lining …

As I find myself in the pursuit of happiness &  hanging on a silver lining of hope.

For those who don’t know the metaphor of optimism silver lining is:

a consoling aspect of a difficult situation; “every cloud has a silver lining”; “look on the bright side of it”.

As human beings naturally depending solely on love and our better half to make us happy. We find ourselves at huge risk of being unhappy. Being happy by yourself and with yourself is a shield of protection for the future, because nothing, nothing  absolutely nothing … ever lasts and the person you will end up with in the end, well that will be yourself…

Something that keeps me a float is the taste of my sweet sweet freedom. One of my biggest accomplishments in life has always been to be free. To work hard, pay my own bills, not depend on anyone but myself…

To be the woman I AND only I want to be. Not for anyone else, but for myself. I am me. I am free.

I’ve always had HUGE DREAMS, and BIG life plans that have always made me driven and ambitious…

It’s all about me… right this very moment. I’m going to be selfish and thats…. okay.

I have the amazing power to become the woman I only dreamed of becoming… and that is my silver lining. 

So as I sit here contemplating my life and what it has become, I couldn’t be more proud of the woman who I am today.

I have suffered, re joiced, lived, and died all at the same time… I have watched myself shattered and broken down into pieces and picked myself right back up and put myself back together… there is no greater delight than the strength that comes from great pain…

When life comes to feel mundane, I remind myself of my silver lining.

I have the power, to become “ME” …

and so the journey begins…

Memories more alive than me.

I  find myself living through memories that feel more alive than me. & It’s the silence of the nights that normally get to me… that is why I write.

I keep busy with work during the day which has helped the healing process so much more…& did I mention … I work 10 to 12 hours a day and my pay is probably not worth it for the foot and back pain I get from standing on my feet with no rest… but it’s the career I chose, so I have to live with it. Did I also mention that it doesn’t feel like work because I enjoy every minute of it… and for that … I am lucky. I consider myself a lucky person, I’ve been blessed and unblessed in so many ways. I’ve been lucky to pick up a lot of people along the way who have helped me through it all…  Oh you know who real friends  are and people who love you in times of need and above all your family aka. unconditional love. I am blessed for those people in my life. I am forever thankful to them.

I will be brutally honest, my life became a mess after Rex’s death. I lost myself in so many ways and I’ve spent everyday since trying to gain myself back and my urge for life as well.

When he died, I died. & maybe that’s a morbid thought… but it’s the truth.

So much of myself left with him…that now I find myself barely scraping off pieces of me off the edges to build myself up again. I had no choice but to pull out the survival kit. AKA “strength” …

I feel invincible now. I feel like nothing can ever hurt me. I feel like if I die tomorrow, I will die in peace, no regrets. I guess this is the feeling you get when someone you love dies.

You feel invincible somehow, as if he is there to catch me if I fall… even though he’s not physically here. Aka. “my angel”  I will never live a day with fear anymore.

You know, I often think about his death. I think about seeing his body laying there so peaceful in a deep deep sleep in that casket.  Such a vacancy of a soul. A pure shell.

I don’t think I will ever forget that vision and thats something I have to live with. I have no regrets seeing him on his deathbed… as let me remind you… this was the man, I would have given my life up for… I would’ve done anything to save him, absolutely anything. Given my own life for his.

I often think about how I used to worry about little things that could hurt him, how anything that would cause him pain would hurt me and protecting him through daily life tasks was my obligation and my desire since thats what you do for your loved one. I never wanted to see him in pain, and it hurts me to know that he wen’t through pain. His life was at risk and I didn’t realize that until the day he died. Silly me.

If I had only one wish, I’d wish for his life.

He was so full of life. He had so much more left of it. So much more to give to this world.

I don’t think I will ever understand why this happened. I don’t think I’m meant to understand it either.

I can feel the healing process beginning in my heart. I can feel the love I have for myself take over my heart and my mind. I can feel a lot of myself blossoming once again…

I am slowly regaining that hunger for life, I used to have…

I lost the love of my life, but I am hopeful. I am hopeful for life and love once again.

I know my worth, I know my value and I know what I deserve now.

I will mourn and I will wait patiently for love to find me again, because this love is shut in my heart and the door is now closed… I carry his heart in mine. forever.

I am a firm believer that only LOVE can heal the pain that LOVE caused.

Loving myself is the start… Being happy for my friends who have found love and seeing them glow in happiness makes me happy… They deserve it!!!

I think hope is the answer I’ve been looking for…

Remaining hopeful and every little thing is gonna be alright.

xoxo

Sabrina